Sunday, August 19, 2012

Back From Unannounced Hiatus???

It's been about five months since my last post.  I know there are a few people who follow this blog, and I am sorry.  There have been a lot of changes in my life, and I should have been posting about them.  It wasn't until I read a friend's blog the other day that the urge to write returned.

More and more I've been thinking of sharing this blog with my family and friends.  Many of them don't know about my struggle, they've never heard about diabulimia.  If they've heard about it, they don't think I have it. There is a definite fear of letting them know. This monster that is still present in my life seems too venerable to put out in the open.  Because even though it is a monster, it is mine.  Even though I'd love for it to be gone forever, the thought of not having her is frightening.

For months, I have tamed her.  My health is better because of it.  However, knowing she is still lurking underneath everything remains a comfort.  It's like those people who have tigers or bears for pets.  They tame them, swear they are gentle, and yet one day the tiger or bear starts acting like an animal.  Usually the ending to the story isn't positive.  Part of me knows that I should know better.  That my monster may be dormant now, but that doesn't mean she'll never act on her wild instincts.  I would be better to let go of her, release her.  The other part of me feels like I can't.  She is mine, and I cling to her.

Will I ever be "cured"?  I don't rightfully know.  It's a common belief that eating disorders never truly go away, just like Type 1 Diabetes.  I used to think if diabetes was cured than maybe the diabulimia would go away too, but now I just wonder if my monster will manifest itself as another eating disorder. I'm still striving to find the perfect balance between binging and limiting food, because I seem to always be doing one or the other.  Yet, at the same time I'm healthy right now.  It's conflicting, and I feel crazy.

As a diabulimic I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.  "Healthy" diabetics can't wrap their heads around someone not taking insulin.  People with "standard" eating disorders like anerexia and bulimia don't seem to understand that our feelings are the same, but the method different.  "Normal" people (those without diabetes or an eating disorder) seem to have a hard enough time understanding diabetes, let alone an almost unspoken of eating disorder that goes along with it.  I feel alone with this, and scared for the others out there.  I know so many of you feel alone too, and to say "we are not alone" seems foolish.  My struggle is only known by a few.  I hope we will all find each other, so we don't have to be alone anymore.