Tuesday, June 28, 2011


It's been a while.  Treatment has it's process and I feel like most of the time it's working.  I really REALLY like my therapist.  I feel like I'm on the verge of some break throughs.  Well I'm really in the middle of some break throughs.
I have a lot of flaws and I struggle so hard to mask them instead of embrace them and deal with them that I just end up failing miserably.  The worst part is knowing that by doing this I have pushed people so far that they have become tired of me.  I can't really blame them.  I'm tired of me to.
It's hard to come to terms with the consequences that this has brought to my life and for the past two days I have not wanted to do anything.  I haven't wanted to eat, I haven't wanted to be happy, and I haven't wanted to live.  It took a moment of self-pity to realize that I can be better.  The reason this is happening is because of my choices and to beg and plead will not work.  Nothing I do may ever make anything that's going on in this moment better.
I wish that I didn't have to wait to lose what feels like everything to have the flame of change lit inside of me.  Perhaps one day I will not be that way.  Perhaps one day I will be able to recognize the needs of others and really hear them before they are tired.
I'm tired too.  I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of making things hard for myself all of the time. It's really time to stop wishing and thinking.  It's time to start doing. 

Monday, June 6, 2011


If I could avoid all conflict in my life I would.  I hate when people point out the flaws I already know I have.  It's not like I'm not thinking that crap all the time to begin with.  Don't people think that if change came so easy it'd happen overnight?

I just feel like a failure today.  A complete total failure.

My Enemy.

I'm pretty sure his name is Pizza.
The great thing is, is that I don't even like the stuff.  Once I get in on my plate though I'm a maniac.  I try so hard to avoid it but then I can't.  Self-control in theory is so much easier than the actual  practice.

So updates on treatment...
When I went to the endo last week I saw my weight.  I had gained nine pounds.  I didn't mean to but I cried in the doctor's office.  I was so frustrated and angry with myself.  I'm doing it "their" way and gaining weight.  I feel so defeated.  Sometimes, I truly believe that being skinny trumps everything else in life.
Still going to therapy.  I wish I could afford to go twice a week but I can't.  The therapy part is the easy part of this whole thing.  What's hard is the nutrition.  What's hard is wrapping my head around the eating in "moderation."  That, and checking my blood sugar.  The blood sugar thing should be so simple, but I guess after not doing it for so long it's more complicated than I thought it'd be.

I feel like such a bad mother.  I worry all the time that I will die early and Isaac will wonder why his mother didn't love him enough to stick around.  I would never want to do that to him.  I feel so guilty that I couldn't cure myself of this after he was born.  I think about all the people who care about me, and all the people that have had to put a wall up just do deal with me.  It makes me so sad and ashamed.  I think my family has a hard time ingesting what it is I go through.  In their minds I am just killing myself and making stupid decisions.  So many family members and friends have put blinders up when it comes to this and I understand why.  Who wants to deal with it?  I don't.  But I have no choice.  I am lucky to have people in my life who are sticking around and who are being truly supportive of it all.