Tuesday, June 28, 2011


It's been a while.  Treatment has it's process and I feel like most of the time it's working.  I really REALLY like my therapist.  I feel like I'm on the verge of some break throughs.  Well I'm really in the middle of some break throughs.
I have a lot of flaws and I struggle so hard to mask them instead of embrace them and deal with them that I just end up failing miserably.  The worst part is knowing that by doing this I have pushed people so far that they have become tired of me.  I can't really blame them.  I'm tired of me to.
It's hard to come to terms with the consequences that this has brought to my life and for the past two days I have not wanted to do anything.  I haven't wanted to eat, I haven't wanted to be happy, and I haven't wanted to live.  It took a moment of self-pity to realize that I can be better.  The reason this is happening is because of my choices and to beg and plead will not work.  Nothing I do may ever make anything that's going on in this moment better.
I wish that I didn't have to wait to lose what feels like everything to have the flame of change lit inside of me.  Perhaps one day I will not be that way.  Perhaps one day I will be able to recognize the needs of others and really hear them before they are tired.
I'm tired too.  I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of making things hard for myself all of the time. It's really time to stop wishing and thinking.  It's time to start doing. 

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