Friday, July 1, 2011

Keep Going.

I'm happy to say that the "wave of change" so to speak is still alive and well.  I would be lying to say that I didn't still feel the pain of my choices though.  I think the most important part of this was that I did pick myself off of the floor and I kept going.

Keep going.  Keep going.

It's a phrase/mantra that I have used for so long.  It used to mean just take one more step before collapsing.  On days were I could not breathe that phrase made me take one breath.  When I think how far I let myself succumb to my eating disorder, just how sick I'd get before and ambulance was called, it scares me. It also frustrates me.  You'd think with a will power like that I'd use it for positive things, but instead I chose this path.

Keep going. Keep going.

It means a lot more now. It's not about taking one more step to hide a sickness.  It's not about keeping puke from coming up.  It means to keep fighting.  It means to not give up on this journey and this process.
For a moment I found myself blaming the fact that I chose to get help for my recent issues.  I don't think that anymore.  This process is not going to let me feel sorry for myself.  This process is not going to let me live in ignorance.  Its forcing me to truthfully look at myself and change what I don't like.

Keep going.  Keep going.

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