Monday, October 31, 2011

I Don't Think It's Funny So Why Do I Joke About It?

It's like beating a dead horse, but I'll say it anyways.

So much for keeping up with this.

However, I think I may have found some inspiration.

Last night I was at a Halloween Party.  While carrying a plate of cookies to a group of friends someone asked me if the entire plate was for me.  In response I made a horrible joke about being a bulimic. A woman heard my joke let me know that it definitely wasn't cool or funny.  Her response deeply effected me.  I was so embarrassed.  Not just because I had offended someone, but I had become the people that I am constantly trying to fight.

One of my biggest personality flaws is that I make inappropriate jokes about things that are too close to me. Even when it's obvious people are joking, sometimes I feel like I have to one up them and be twice the jerk... hence the bulimia comment.  Usually, people laugh and think it's funny that I "went there."  This woman brought me back to reality.

Through the night I learned that she was a body acceptance activist.  She's an avid blogger who blogs five times a week about body acceptance.  As she told me more about this movement the more and more I wanted to pick her brain.  The only feeling I can compare it to is what people may feel when they find religion.  I started to blurt out my story, which is unusual for me.  I try not to talk about it to people I just meet.  Let's face it... it's kind of a buzz kill.  I'm not sure if she thinks I'm crazy or not, but I find her fascinating. 

It felt like a relief to say it out loud to someone who wasn't my therapist and who didn't show signs of judging me.  I think that's what I hate the most about diabulimia.  The judgement.  Even my own parent's cannot accept it for what it is.  It's been nine years since I started on this path.  The sarcasm, blind eyes, and accusations of laziness need to stop. I think it's time that they accept that my eating disorder is real and it's here.

That's a painful acceptance, when I think about it there is a pain and devastation in my chest.  But, for now this is my reality.

And it's not a joke.

No comments:

Post a Comment