So much for keeping up with this.
However, I think I may have found some inspiration.
Last night I was at a Halloween Party. While carrying a plate of cookies to a group of friends someone asked me if the entire plate was for me. In response I made a horrible joke about being a bulimic. A woman heard my joke let me know that it definitely wasn't cool or funny. Her response deeply effected me. I was so embarrassed. Not just because I had offended someone, but I had become the people that I am constantly trying to fight.
One of my biggest personality flaws is that I make inappropriate jokes about things that are too close to me. Even when it's obvious people are joking, sometimes I feel like I have to one up them and be twice the jerk... hence the bulimia comment. Usually, people laugh and think it's funny that I "went there." This woman brought me back to reality.
Through the night I learned that she was a body acceptance activist. She's an avid blogger who blogs five times a week about body acceptance. As she told me more about this movement the more and more I wanted to pick her brain. The only feeling I can compare it to is what people may feel when they find religion. I started to blurt out my story, which is unusual for me. I try not to talk about it to people I just meet. Let's face it... it's kind of a buzz kill. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm crazy or not, but I find her fascinating.
It felt like a relief to say it out loud to someone who wasn't my therapist and who didn't show signs of judging me. I think that's what I hate the most about diabulimia. The judgement. Even my own parent's cannot accept it for what it is. It's been nine years since I started on this path. The sarcasm, blind eyes, and accusations of laziness need to stop. I think it's time that they accept that my eating disorder is real and it's here.
That's a painful acceptance, when I think about it there is a pain and devastation in my chest. But, for now this is my reality.
And it's not a joke.