Thursday, April 28, 2011


Thursdays are almost always bad for me.  Isaac goes back to his father on Thursdays and I feel like my life is de-railed.  I hate Thursdays.  They are like THE day that I will always be crazy; no matter what.

Went to the mall today.  Trying to get out the door was a challenge.  I felt like I was too fat to wear anything... I was fine for the most part after I got to the mall... then I went to Victoria's Secret and that pretty much ruined the whole trip.  It was stupid... I feel stupid.  Saw something that I liked but they didn't have it in my size.  That's the trigger for the bubbles to start.  I feel like they start in my stomach and pop once they are in my brain.  What comes out of them are sticky, nasty, hateful, words that make me feel like I had no business leaving the apartment in the first place.  I try to ignore them and they won't stop.  All the while I'm just begging myself to get over it and then I feel ashamed and stupid.  I feel like trying to explain this is useless.  People tell me to "get over it" or "ignore" those thoughts.  Like I haven't tried that already.  I so desperately want to feel normal and happy.  I wish that a store not having something in my size wouldn't make me feel like the literal elephant in the room.

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