Thursdays are almost always bad for me. Isaac goes back to his father on Thursdays and I feel like my life is de-railed. I hate Thursdays. They are like THE day that I will always be crazy; no matter what.
Went to the mall today. Trying to get out the door was a challenge. I felt like I was too fat to wear anything... I was fine for the most part after I got to the mall... then I went to Victoria's Secret and that pretty much ruined the whole trip. It was stupid... I feel stupid. Saw something that I liked but they didn't have it in my size. That's the trigger for the bubbles to start. I feel like they start in my stomach and pop once they are in my brain. What comes out of them are sticky, nasty, hateful, words that make me feel like I had no business leaving the apartment in the first place. I try to ignore them and they won't stop. All the while I'm just begging myself to get over it and then I feel ashamed and stupid. I feel like trying to explain this is useless. People tell me to "get over it" or "ignore" those thoughts. Like I haven't tried that already. I so desperately want to feel normal and happy. I wish that a store not having something in my size wouldn't make me feel like the literal elephant in the room.