Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"Treatment" has started.

The Rules

1. Must wear insulin pump at all times
2. Must eat three meals a day, and must have at least one serving of protein with each meal
3. Must exclude all sugar drinks (especially Sprite) from diet
4. Must check blood sugar twice a day

That's what my nutritionist told me at our first visit.  It hasn't quite been a week yet and I've made an honest effort to follow them but it's a little frightening.  I've always felt such a disconnect from the not taking care of my diabetes and my "eating disorder."  I still have a hard time believing that I have an "eating disorder," but this past week is starting to get to me.

I've written about diabulimia a lot.  I've always said I've had it, but the truth is I never quite believed it.  Especially these past few years.  In fact, I thought that I was getting better.  It's true that I've come a long way since the "bad" days but according to every health professional I've seen about this, I'm still killing myself.  So what now?

My therapist says that trying to hard to get healthy is "remarkable."  Wouldn't it be more "remarkable" if I were able to just take my insulin like a normal "good" diabetic?  Wouldn't it be more "remarkable" if I hadn't let my weight, my binge eating, or my compulsion to take my pump off run my life?

Telling those who have lived through this with me gain mixed reactions.  My favorite response?  "You're not over it yet?"  Not over it.  Like it's something you do one week and stop doing the next.  I've been battling this for 8 years.  I truly expected this person to be excited for me.  When she wasn't, it hurt.  I wish that an epiphany was all I needed to be "cured."  That's not how it works though.  The epiphany led me to treatment and the "cure" is going to be a long journey.

I feel like I'm on my own with this.  Much of it is by my ow doing.  This disease has pushed many people away and I don't blame them for that.  I have a very small support group that consists of 2 people.  I know there are plenty of people who get through this entirely on their own, but I guess I just hoped there would be more support out there for me.

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