Thursday, April 14, 2011


UGH... severe setback.  I know it hasn't been too long going through all this but now that I'm really striving to be better it's like a slap in the face when I fuck up.
I don't even like pizza.  Yet, I ate it.  Oh yes I ate it along with breadsticks AND dessert pizza.
that's all I can think about.  I am so mad at myself.  I've been feeling like this for hours now and it's keeping me awake.  I'm mad that I ate it... and I'm mad that I'm mad about eating it... it's a fucking cycle that doesn't break. I keep imagining these little fat cells joining together to create another layer of fat on my already overweight body.  I just want it gone.  I want the pizza out of me.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed for even eating it.
At first, I didn't take my insulin.  I just didn't think about it.  I don't know if I forgot or it was a subconscious thing... but I didn't do it.

So I got sick.
I checked my blood sugar...
Over 600...
So I did take insulin.

I still wish that I could get the pizza out.  Part of me is angry that I didn't wait to take insulin until I threw up.  That way the pizza would have been gone.  Now it's there and those fat cells are holding hands and laughing at the cow they are creating.

I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm trying to remind myself that setbacks are normal... that I just started this process and can't expect to be magically cured... at the same time I wonder if I really can overcome this.

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